hi daddy

I have a new chapter in my life, a chapter that is continued from years and years ago. Let me start out by saying, I never knew my dad. Unless you count the time i was 13 and he followed me home from school, gave me $20 and told me I had better never cut my hair again. I dont really qualify that as knowing him?? But when I was 14, my paternal grandmother got in contact with me. and we wrote for years. She sent me gifts and She came to Ohio (from Texas) to meet me. Along with her, I had contact with my dads aunt who lived in the same town as me. Me and her were close. I even lived with her for years. So I wasnt hard to find. I was in contact wtih my grandmother, my great aunt and he (my dad) had brothers and sisters that lived in the same town as me, that he knew talked to me. So really, it wouldnt have taken more than a phone call to find me.

So now, here I am 31, I have had a myspace page for 5 years and out of the blue I have my dads sister (my aunt) writing me. An aunt that I never met before and never heard from before. She told me she seen me once when i was little, and lost contact with me and thought she had lost me forever.

I am conflicted. how hard did she try? I was in contact with her mom for years until she died. I have lived in the same little town all my life. and my dad was able to find me once when HE wanted to. So I am confused as to why noone else could ever find me, though they claim they missed me and thought they lost me forever?

so here i am, this new found aunt telling me memories she has of me when I was little, stories about my grandmother who passed away a few years ago, and telling me all about my family down in texas, which I might add is so huge I can’t even keep names, relations or faces straight

I guess in the end, no matter who I ask, or how many times I ask it, there is noone who can help me. Noone that can give me a helping hand. No one can tell me what is the right thing to do. Either way its right, and at the same time, either way is wrong. In one way or another I don’t think I can go right or wrong. So I guess the only question is, what am I going to do?

Alot of ppl are probably thinking this isnt such a big deal, but it is. It is when I dont know if they are going to split outta my daughters life once she gets to know them. And I am not sure I am ready to open up my life to ppl who for 31 years, didnt care that I grew up with no money at times. That we were broke and my mom had to work 2 jobs and go to college to give us food and heat. Not once Xmas card or happy birthday. i am not using what happen to me as an excuse to keep my daughter away from them. I was my daughters age. They waited till what? why now? After 31 years the missing me got to be too much?

Call me cynical, but I cant imagine any of them, claiming to me truthfully, “oh how I have missed you and love you and want you in my life so bad” when they don’t know me. Where were they when I needed my dads family. Not for the money (which my mother never seen from my dad) but for family. To know where and who i can from me. Wondering, why am I mexican and all the rest of my family is white? Thats not an easy thing to deal with when your 5. Its hard growing up when you are half mexican and half white. I am not trying to sound racist, but I was too white for some and not brown enough for others.

I was shunned by most of my “white” family. The outsider, the outcast. The “spic” as I was referred to growing up from everyone in my family that should have been there. I didnt have that side of my dads family. How can I bring them into my daughters life when I dont know them, cause they never tried?

Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved growing up knowing my dad. And the fact of the matter is since I didnt get along that great with my mom, I would have loved to have the escape of going and living with my dad. For many years, and yes even still to this day, I have abandonment issues. I have relationship issues. I have a problem forming loving bonds with a lot of my family.

No I dont blame it on that, But i do believe it has a lot to do with it. Other than my mom, and the one aunt on my dads side that I talked to, not one person, including my brothers and sisters loved me or even treated me nice growing up. I was different than everyone. I was the only kid in a house of 5 that didnt get picked up by my moms mom for the weekend. I was the only one who didnt get presents, calls, hugs, nothing. If it wasnt for my mom, I really believe my life would have turned out different. She loved me, even if at times it was in ways I would have swore she was nuts. But I did have her love.

I am bitter in a way, I am touched in a way, I guess I am overall just confused. Im torn. And no one can tell me what I should do, cause its my decision to make. A decision I would have loved to be able to make years ago. But its here now, in my face, I can reach out and grab it if I want it. If I want it…….

And although i may never find an answer.  i may never take this another step, and maybe no one will ever read this that matters, I at least poured my heart out, scares and concerns and got it all out. And now maybe, just maybe this is what i needed.

Mother’s Day

It is that time of year again. Mother’s day is upon us. Everyone year I shop for my mother, his, and his grandma. And each year it gets harder. And I Struggle with the proccess of picking out something that not only shows them we loved them, but also something that is thoughtful, from the heart and that they will love, so we arent just getting them a gift that is going in the back of the closet…

Same thing every year. So this year, I have it figured out, and each gift is only going to cost us no more than $10 each. Not too bad, huh?

For his mother and grandmother, I am going in a different direction, thinking outside of the Usual Mother’s day gifts. I have been working on our family trees for years now, and they both had a member of the family they loved dearly, miss since his passing back in the late 70’s, and they were quite close. To make it easier on me, its the exact same person.

He came over from Hungary in the early 1900’s, with a fake birth year and a fake “mother”. So tracking him and finding anything about him has proved to be quite a challenge. He is my Holy grail of genealogy. His is my conquest.

So after long hours and tedious searching, I found a little bit on him. So for mothers day I am taking his certificate from Ellis Island, his citizenship/naturalization papers, and a photograph and biography on the ship (the SS OHIO) he brought from Germany into the US. I am going to have them framed and wrapped. They can display them if they wish or they can put them up, cause obviously it is something they are going to want to keep and cherish. It wasnt easy finding this stuff, and when I found it, i mentioned it to them (before deciding on mothers day presents) and they were both excited, so I know they will like em.

My mom was a bit tougher, since she dont miss anyone! lol Shes stubborn, and although she would love something like that, there is noone in my family, other than my great grandmother that she would care about. And as much as I would LOVE to do it for her, I can’t find any documents of her travels here from Germany.

So instead, I am in the process of making her a calendar with all the grandkids and her children from photographs that I have taken. That is something my mom would cherish and keep far after 2008 has passed and be a long ago memory.

So, I thought outside of the box and managed to come up with great gifts, that arent going to cause us to take out a loan, ha ha. Yes, I am serious. I am terrible at thrift shopping when it comes to gifts. So this actually turned out to be a double blessing gift idea!!

I might also (for his family) print out and frame pictures of his grave stone for them. (Some ppl call that a morbid gift) but its not to me. Its about giving them a present representing someone they loved and sadly, lost.

Best of all, these presents came from deep thought, hard planning and the heart. And what is better than that?!

Now on to me. For Mothers day I told Brad TONS of stuff I wanted to give him an idea, and lots to choose from. So I will have to wait and see what he decides on, or if he goes in his own direction, what I got from him!

Theres lots of stuff I asked for. New couch, new kitchen table, plants, a plant stand. Lots of stuff for my yard, swings, benches, the usual motherly stuff!! lol

Genealogy update

It has been a while since I have worked on my family history. Mainly, because I have no space big enough to work. I have tons of papers, files, reports, charts, and much more, that I need to have laid out, so I cant sort, read, you know the drill.

So I have neglected my Gen. for past few months. I am trying to convince My Hubby to build me a HUGE table in a room in the basement, that we don’t use so I can hide away down there and work. The bad side? down there = spiders and bugs.

I am still looking for a lot of Info from Pennsylvania, Hungary, Germany, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky.. and I need to find someone down there, or I need to take a trip down there to do some leg work.

Truth is, not only do I not have the room, but I have also been focusing on my photography, getting brooklyn ready to start school, my house, alot of things have been taking my time and attention. I need more hours in the day.

My great aunt wrote a book – on one side of my family, ( The Burkett/Burkhardt side) so the info is all there for me to steal. Not so sure I want to do that. So what I have been doing is doing my own research, and then using her book as a point of reference to double check my facts, or to get the stories that I obviously couldnt get cause I wasnt alive while some of my family was still here. So its nice to have it. But I am trying not to use it. I like the researching part of all of it. The satisfaction of knowing that I did it. I found it. I found a family member I never knew I had. I find it rewarding. His side I am having a challenge with. Why? I am not sure.
When I interview his family, they give me names of aunts, uncles, ect. Only after months of research and turning up nothing do I go back and they say “oops”  That is not so and so’s real name That is just what we call her. Sorry I didnt even think about it. Her name is Mary Lou and the name they give me is Bobbie Ann. Hmmmm… Weird nick names! lol So Now I have learned to ask from the start IS THIS THE REAL NAME?! LMAO

You gotta love his family!!!

So that is an update on what I am doing with my family nuts. Anyone out there with the same Lineage as me? Any names ring a bell?

(Copied from my Surname Blog)

Burkett, Burkhardt, Burkart: The family line from John Burkhardt, born in switzerland was a member of George Washingtons Dragoons. Burkhardt family migrated from Germany to America in Pennsylvania, and Ohio.

Alejandro/Shiley family-Texas and Ohio

Wetzel Family from Germany to America in New York, Pennsylvania and Ohio

Tullock/Tulock, Tuloch family from Hungary to West Virginia, Virginia, Kentucky, Michigan and Ohio

Kovach from Hungary to West Virginia, Virginia, Kentucky, Ohio and Michigan

Lester Family from West Virginia, Virginia, Kentucky

Polyak From Hungary to West Virginia, Virginia, and Ohio

Other family lines from Ohio are: Myers, Amos, Swander, Blankenship, Parrish,

Illegal Immigration – No vacancies

I have sat and watched people in my life make comments and voice their opinions on Illegal Immigration and the debate on building the fences and keeping “them” out of our country.

I am a Latina Woman. My ancestors were immigrants. As was everyone elses. Hell, Christopher Columbus WAS an illegal immigrant.  So yes this topic hits close to home for me.

Yeah, they are here illegally, but they are doing the jobs noone else will do. Are you going to go out there and pick fruits and vegetables in 110 degree weather for pennies? Don’t think so. Are you going to live in a house with a dirt floor and no running water and no electricity? Nope.  Work in a sweatshop for 18 hours a day only to make enough to buy your baby formula for one meal? Yeah, I don’t see that happening.

I have been down into the heart of “illegal” Texas, and seen how these illegal immigrants live. It wasnt pretty. It was like something out of a movie. I couldnt believe it. I live a good life and feel myself to be spoiled, I couldn’t do it.  And id bet that 99% of you wouldnt be able to live a day in their shoes. I was there for one day and was so thankful to hop into my car, go back to my hotel take a hot shower and eat a hot meal. So don’t think they arent suffering in one way or another. They are sacrificing alot to be here. Imagine a child with no toys, no fun, no friends.

Image what they have to be leaving behind to live a life like that. If this is better…imagine what life was like back home.

Yes, my subject has been mostly about mexicans, since its a close subject to my heart. But its not only the “Mexicans”

In Texas, California and I am sure a few other states have “coyotes” that go to other countries such as Thailand, El Salvador, Africa, China (and tons of other countries) and promise these girls a better life. Education, a job, a future. A way to support the family and kids they are leaving behind in their native land.  The Cost? (the price they don’t learn about until they are here and its too late) Sex Slave. Yes.  They have to make $1000 a day. Know how many guys they have to sleep with at $65 a pop? Having their children’s lives, families and their lives threatened if they run? If they try to leave? One woman was “employed” as a sex slave for 12 years.  Don’t think that is what they had in mind for their “American Dream”

I would love to live in a world where everyone was here legally. Where everyone could get along and live in harmony.  However I dont live with my head in the clouds and I know life is not like that, and never will be.

So before anyone starts running their mouth and voicing their opinions on illegal immigrants and building the fence to block mexico… think with your brain before running your mouth.

Everyones ancestors came here. Most illegally looking for a better life for their families. For you. What if America built a fence and put up a sign that said “no vacancies”, and put a “return to sender” note on their forehead, Called you a degenerate and said you were ruining the economy? Rallied and pushed you out.

Yeah yeah yeah… they come, they get free health care and everything handed to em. shut up. As I said in the begining…. are you going to wrok for pennies a day? Think they can afford health care on that?

Everyone is entitled to have their opinion that is your right. Its also everyones right to have a future. And if their future or dream is here in America, I say Welcome. America was BUILT that way.