Almost too late

So, as anyone who has read my blog in the past knows about the relationship with me and my dad… or lack thereof…..

Today I get a letter from my Tia (aunt) Rosie telling me that my dad is in the hospital in San Antonio, in critical condition. She didn’t say what happened or anything else. This is all I know.

I am torn. I am thinking in my mind ” It could be too late for me to form a relationship with my dad. It might be my last chance”. But my heart is saying ” its  been too late for too long”. Or my heart and head are switched around. I dont know.

Im not sure if I should be wanting to rush down there in case this is the last chance. To get off my chest everything I have ever wanted to say. Or to maybe get that  approving and I have missed so much look. Or If I should just leave well enough alone. My anger and hurt is genuine, and I am not in the wrong no matter what I really feel. Cause they are my feelings. But I am torn and confused and there is no where to turn to get the right answer.

In the end I will pray for him. Pray for his recovery and stay right here in Ohio where I have been all my life. Where he has known I have been. Some ppl may think its wrong. Some ppl may say I should make the first step toward him. There is no right answer. There is no wrong answer. There is just me and my life, and the lack of a father growing up. When I say lack of a father growing up, I don’t just mean my dad. I mean any dad. I have never had a dad. Not a step dad, not a boyfriends of my moms, nothing. It would have been nice to have him around when I was little, even if it was just a few weekends a year…… I’m grown now. I don’t need a dad now. I needed one then. Sometimes I wonder how life would have been growing up with a dad (any dad) in the house…. I can’t even imagine.

I have learned through these conversations with my aunt that I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters in Texas. That grew up with a dad.  I’m happy for them. So he is not alone………