Death of a Computer

Its about that time for a funeral. Yes, that is right. She died. My computer has finally taken its last breath, closed her eyes and went to where all computers go after they have served their purpose….

It just died. Crashed, she tried to come back a couple of times, but to no avail. I finally had to put her down.

Whats even worse than the death of a close companion? A Close companion that held my life in its hands. All My photographs. My work. My whole world was in her head and she closed her eyes and took it with her.

Yeah yeah yeah… i can get it off with some work… yeah yeah.  Dont bore me with such minor details when I am mourning the death of my computer!

So  I will blog here about it, I will twitter about it, cry to my hubby about it, and in the end, She will have to be replaced. With a newer, more powerful piece of heavenly computer machinery. She is gone but not forgotten.

So goodbye dear friend… we had a long, complicated relationship. You pulled a lot of BS, you talked back and you rebeled when it was MOST inconvenient, but you will be sadly missed.

I will think of you from time to time, when I am clicking away on my keyboard, remember how much you would freeze up, crash, close my windows when I was working, decide to be stubborn and not come back on, all the wonderful things you did that made our relationship what it is today.

Rounding Second….

We are almost to the homestretch when it comes to Brooklyn starting school. She goes in tomorrow for her last set of shots before starting in Sept. Shes getting 4 shots tomorrow, which should make for a pretty moody day where Brooklyn is concerned.

But after that, the only thing left for us to do is take her school clothes shopping. And then She will be ready to go. She goes into her Conference on the 15th of May, which is when her school fees are due. At that conference, we will discuss her screenign results, her strengths, if there is anything we need to work on with her, ect.

We signed her up for the summer reading camp at our local library. And we signed her up for a bunch of summer activites.
And along with starting school in Sept, she will also be starting ballet. We had to sign her up a year ago to get into this class. It is a hard class to get into since it is so popular, so shes excited to be going. Shes been wanting to do ballet for a couple year now. We sgned her up for ballet classes here in the town we live in, but they were more of a “everyone just dance” class. And that is not what I want to spend my money on when she wants BALLET. So she is going to another town to a ballet school. I am rather excited!

So that is the update about Brooklyn.

Did I mention that she is getting the immunization for the chicken pox? And i have NO idea what to expect out of this….

Saying Goodbye

7 Years ago my grandpa died. We were close. I was what you called “Grandpa little girl”. If he went somewhere, I was with him. I have tons of memories when I think back to when I was growing up. Everything from “people watching” to Trying to find tornadoes to watch.

Then one day I got the call that he died at home. I was devestated. I wasnt there. I didnt get to say goodbye. I didnt get to hear his voice, or hear him crack a joke. I missed it. I missed him.

When I went to the funeral, I stayed in the back of the church. I didnt go up to the casket. I didnt look at him and I didnt go near it. Why not? Cause that is not the image I want in my head when I think about my grandpa. He knows How I loved him and what i felt about him, and I said my goodbye to him alone, and that was enough for me.

I still miss him. Last night, I had a dream about him. In my dream, he was alive. I was in the van with him as I have been a thousand times. When I had to get out of the truck, I hugged him, hard. I was bawling in my dream telling him by knowing I wouldnt get to do it again. I could smell him. I could hear him. It was as if he was right there with me. So I guess that was my way of having one last memory , one last moment with him. It wasnt enough.

I have lost grandparents. I have lost family members close to me. He is, was and always will be the hardest.

Its been 7 years. and One of these days I am going to bring myself to visit his grave. I talk to him all the time, I just do it from right here. I have never been to his grave.

My grandpa was a preacher, and I know where he is, and I know he can hear me from there. But one of these days (when I am ready) I will go to his grave and place flowers there.

I miss him. There have been so many times something has happened, and I can hear what his reaction or what his remark would be about something. I just miss him.

As I said, He was a preacher. I spent every Sunday and Wed in church listening to im preach. I spent the first Mon of every month at the homeless shelter with him helping out as he preached. I grew up in the church with him.

Since he has died, I havent been back to a church. One of these days I am going to make peace with myself about it all, and get back to church. One of these days, I will deal with all of this and move past it. Right now, and yes still after 7 years, I am dealing with it.

I miss him.

Photography Trip

The weather is starting to get warm out. And that means it is time for me to start to plan a summer photography trip around my own state, and the surrounding states to places I want to photograph. I live in Ohio, so Ohio is on my list. There is a place I want to go to in Indiana (Lincoln, Indiana) which is where Abe Lincolns childhood house (cabin) is located.

Michigan is in driving distance, I just have to research to find out what they have there that peaks my interests. There are tons of places around here in Ohio that I want to go to. Ohio really is a beautiful state. We have Lake Erie, and tons of historical places that would be very scenic.

I want to go to Amish country, someplace that I have never been to but always wanted to go, but I have been told that you can’t take any pictures there. Yet I have seen tons of ‘Amish Country and People” photography contests, so I guess I will have to do some more research to find out more.

There are Ren Faires around here that I always get great Pictures at. Tons of old structures (burnt down orphanges, Rutheford B Hayes Presidents house, battle sites). We are even going to charter a plane and take ariel views of the lake, and some scenic places from the air.  I just have to get on the ball, er, I should say the weather needs to get on the ball and cooperate with my plans. Its suppose to snow tonight. Um, Hello, it is almost May! Snow?!

I can’t wait to get started. My daughter will be starting school this year and I want to focus on my photography and the first step is updating my portfolio.

Is there anyone around Ohio, or the surrounding states, that knows  of a great place  for photographs?

I need to research more when I get time and make out a plan, or should I say a more extensive one. Oh warm weather, where art thou?
Please come out and play – and leave the snow at home. We don’t need anymore this year.

I am desperately in need of a vacation. From life, from the constant ringing of the telephone, from tv, from it all. I want to take a vacation in the woods of Maine, far away from anyone and everyone. Just me, my family, and my camera. Oh what a vacation that would be! Hey – Leave me alone and let me dream!!!

Genealogy update

It has been a while since I have worked on my family history. Mainly, because I have no space big enough to work. I have tons of papers, files, reports, charts, and much more, that I need to have laid out, so I cant sort, read, you know the drill.

So I have neglected my Gen. for past few months. I am trying to convince My Hubby to build me a HUGE table in a room in the basement, that we don’t use so I can hide away down there and work. The bad side? down there = spiders and bugs.

I am still looking for a lot of Info from Pennsylvania, Hungary, Germany, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky.. and I need to find someone down there, or I need to take a trip down there to do some leg work.

Truth is, not only do I not have the room, but I have also been focusing on my photography, getting brooklyn ready to start school, my house, alot of things have been taking my time and attention. I need more hours in the day.

My great aunt wrote a book – on one side of my family, ( The Burkett/Burkhardt side) so the info is all there for me to steal. Not so sure I want to do that. So what I have been doing is doing my own research, and then using her book as a point of reference to double check my facts, or to get the stories that I obviously couldnt get cause I wasnt alive while some of my family was still here. So its nice to have it. But I am trying not to use it. I like the researching part of all of it. The satisfaction of knowing that I did it. I found it. I found a family member I never knew I had. I find it rewarding. His side I am having a challenge with. Why? I am not sure.
When I interview his family, they give me names of aunts, uncles, ect. Only after months of research and turning up nothing do I go back and they say “oops”  That is not so and so’s real name That is just what we call her. Sorry I didnt even think about it. Her name is Mary Lou and the name they give me is Bobbie Ann. Hmmmm… Weird nick names! lol So Now I have learned to ask from the start IS THIS THE REAL NAME?! LMAO

You gotta love his family!!!

So that is an update on what I am doing with my family nuts. Anyone out there with the same Lineage as me? Any names ring a bell?

(Copied from my Surname Blog)

Burkett, Burkhardt, Burkart: The family line from John Burkhardt, born in switzerland was a member of George Washingtons Dragoons. Burkhardt family migrated from Germany to America in Pennsylvania, and Ohio.

Alejandro/Shiley family-Texas and Ohio

Wetzel Family from Germany to America in New York, Pennsylvania and Ohio

Tullock/Tulock, Tuloch family from Hungary to West Virginia, Virginia, Kentucky, Michigan and Ohio

Kovach from Hungary to West Virginia, Virginia, Kentucky, Ohio and Michigan

Lester Family from West Virginia, Virginia, Kentucky

Polyak From Hungary to West Virginia, Virginia, and Ohio

Other family lines from Ohio are: Myers, Amos, Swander, Blankenship, Parrish,

Kindergarten Screening

So Brooklyn had her Kindergarten screening earlier this week.. WTF?!?! Seriously.. i mean come on! I dont know how it is in every state, cause ever County here is different.. but in the county we live in this is a run down of SOME of the questions in the first section of what they call “the screening”

What is a Dr.? They will accept “someone who takes care of you when your sick” that will award you ONE point. If you want 2 points the CORRECT answer they are looking for is Physician… WTF! What 4 year old is going to know what you mean. Shouldnt they ask What else can you call a dr? THEN she might have gotten it right.

What are french fries made of?! WTF!? I spent my time teaching her the stuff she should know. Colors, counting, ABCs, shapes, how to write, read and spell her name, address and stuff like that. I am sorry I didnt spend more time teaching her how to make homemade french fries or the fact that an egg comes out of a chicken! (and not from the Easter bunny)

Not a big deal. But to “pass” your child needs 125 points, minimum. at 2 points a crack, IF you give them their version of the “correct” answer.

I am all for them pushing more for education and learning, but they gave me a copy of her grade card that she will be receiving in kindergarten.. algebra.. seriously? I mean, come on, really? I think there is enough pressure on kids in school as it is with the proficiency tests, and peer pressure and tons more without adding so much more on at such a young age. I want her to love school and be good at it and go to a school that cares about education, but algebra in Kindergarten, seriously?

She made it in, passed the screening, but I was just shocked when I seen/heard this test. All I knew to get into Kindergarten was my name, address, counting, shapes, colors, the regular stuff most of us had to know and I turned out great! Straight A student, a productive member of my community, without having algebra before I was 6. Shes 4. When do kids get to be kids anymore? When are they going to be eating their glue? Between Algebra and chemistry? or maybe fit it in between disecting a frog and Shop class.

No more pillows and nap time for them. Remember recess? The huge jungle gyms and swings, slide, teeter totter, merry go round and all the other stuff? Being so happy to run outside and play? HA! They have one LITTLE jungle gym and that is ALL. They wonder why kids are failing grade school like crazy.. they have no break, no rest, no time to let off steam.

Perhaps if they let kids be kids like when we were little, these sweet little kids wouldnt be shooting up grade schools. they would be more worried about running from “anna” so she didnt kiss them under the slide. Or “I hope I get to sit next to Jake at lunch, hes so cute” Maybe they should think about that before they add Trig to the Cirriculum in Kindergarten.  Let them worry about stuff a kid is suppose to worry about and maybe they wouldnt need medal detectors for the 5 year olds. JMO

HERES YOUR SIGN DUMBASS!!

I would say that I am usually pretty easy going person when it comes to dealing and interacting with my friends, but truth be told. I am not. I am far from it, and I don’t care. Why you ask? Let me give you a break down of just a few of my friends. (no, its not all of them… but sometimes its just not worth it!)

Friend 1: Lets boyfriend control her, spends all her money on stupid crap that she can’t afford – complains they have no money . Only calls when something is wrong, when her bf is mean and she wants to complain, wants to brag about something – bf won’t work, she pays for everything – wonders why she has no money

Friend 2 : single mother, no job, no school, spends everynight in the bar, wonders why she can’t find anyone decent so she just sleeps with anyone – hmmmm

Friend 3 : she knows it all, you are always wrong while she is right, can do anything better than you, enough said.

Now I have tons of other friends that are normal, and great, not needy.. you know, toplist, grade A friends. But when you have to deal with the above everyday, it takes it toll on you.

I am so sick of whiny, crying, “life isnt kissing my ass” deadbeat moms who would rather sit in a fucking bar than take care of their kids!

I am just having a bad day with all these “friends” coming at me with ” i have no money, but look at these $150 dollar boots I bought for next winter” NEXT WINTER! you are broke, your kids have no food, but your feet are going to look slammin NEXT YEAR – HERES YOUR FUCKING SIGN!

And another one that I am dealing with is “I can’t believe they gave me a dishonorable discharge from the army! All I did was lied and cheated and stole and wormed my way out of Iraq and they give ME A DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE?” – HERES YOUR FUCKING SIGN DUMBASS!

“Oh no, my child is 5, isnt allowed to get into Kindergarten cause I spent the last 5 years in a bar shaking my ass for some bar dick, he dont know how to count and I dont know what to do”.. STAY HOME AND STOP BEING A BAR HOE!! – HERES YOUR SIGN!

FUCK ME MAN! I mean, come on. Seriously?! UGH! ANd these certain few ppl wonder why I dont want to hang out with them and why when they call, I screen and dont pick up and hardly EVER call em back! I mean, for real?! HERES YOUR FUCKING SIGN!

They must have just caught me on the wrong day cause AUGH!

And while I am getting shit off my chest let me add another for my mother in law : ITS VOICEMAIL, NOT AN ANSWERING MACHINE. SO STOP YELLING INTO MY VOICEMAIL “HEY ITS ME, PICK UP. ARE YOU THERE? HELLO???” ITS FUCKING VOICEMAIL! I CANT HEAR YOU YELLING!!! augh!!!!!! 5 years I have been telling her this. the sad thing? SHE HAS VOICEMAIL! SHE KNOWS HOW IT WORKS AND THAT I CANT HEAR HER!!! AAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HERES YOUR MOTHER FUCKING SIGN!!! Now I feel MUCH better!

Stay tuned for my next bitchfest of 2008 coming up shortly! (you can count on that)

Insomniac with no cure! (no wanted cure)

Good news today… although they did find something wrong with my mom, its nothing that is so serious, that I can’t handle!

To make a long story short, They found something (they are not sure what yet???) But they found it soon enough that it can be fixed/cured/stopped, before it develops into something SERIOUS. (er.. i should say MORE serious). So I can relax and maybe get some sleep tonight!

And my Honey is going to get sleep too, as he so nicely informed me this morning how he slept like Crap last night, worrying about my mom along with me. So sweet! <3

So my mom, is, for the most part, okay.  Our life is going great, we have everything we need, and mostly what we want. So why is it that I am still suffering from insomnia? Its been like this for years. I hate having to take pills to fall asleep, and half the time, they don’t even work for me. So I have to go for 3 or 4 nights, with no sleep, and then, and only then, can I count on one good night of sleep. (Can you really call it sleep when you pass out from exhaustion?)

Okay, so maybe I am Exaggerating a tad bit about the passing out part, but I do go 3 or 4 nights with no sleep. During the day when Im suppose to be cleaning, or doing my everyday, mother and wife, cook and clean things, I could pass out with out a problem. But yet, the moment the sun hides away and the moon peeks its head out, that little alarm sounds Saying “BEEP BEEP! NIGHT IS APPROACHING, ALL SYSTEMS GO FOR SLEEP DEPRIVATION!! BEEP BEEP” And Im use to it. Been this way since I have been little. I sure hope my kids don’t suffer the same way. This isnt fun.

Its not as though I can’t function in the world because of it. But it does put a damper on things, when I have appts in the mornings, or things I KNOW I have to be up for… forget about it. My life can’t start before noon cause I never know if I am going to be functioning or not.  If I dont fall asleep until 8 am.. even if I am back up at 9… I am going to be in no shape or no hurry to go to the drs, or shopping, or even to scratch my ass.

Yeah, I know. They have prescriptions for this stuff. And what are the side effects of those? Dry mouth, constipation? death? lol. The effects of drugs, arent worth it. Then you have to take a pill to counter act that one. When does it end? No thanks.

Ill live with my insomnia, spend hours a week bitching about it, blog about how I am so beyond tired and do nothing about it! Its great to have that freedom! Bitch about it, but don’t change it! lol… Don’t you hate that shit? When ppl bitch repeatedly about something so dumb, that they could change and fix, yet they don’t? They just torture you with their constant whinning about it? Yeah.. that is going to be me. I am planning and looking forward to being that person.

I wake up in the mornings and plan out how I can drive my hubby crazy. Its a full time job and I take my job seriously. lol – he really wouldnt think my sense of humor about this is funny since I am sure i do drive him crazy. Even if it is unintentional. Thats my story and I am sticking to it!

Sometimes… you just gotta smack someone

I have blogged many times about my family, how much they mean to me and How I dont know what Id do without them. And I have blogged plenty about my mom. She means a lot to me. I bitch and gripe about her alot, but at the end of the day she is still my “mommy”.

And although I am not the youngest, I am still her “baby”. We have been close for quite a while now. Well.. since I no longer lived under her roof. We are close, talk all the time and she knows all that goes on in my life.

The only thing I DONT tell my mom is the personal stuff in my life, (meaning the relationship with Brad) ONLY because, I know that when we fight, or things get tough, they are going to get better in a day or two. And I dont need my mom having negative thoughts/feelings about Brad. Cause when it blows over, although things are back to normal, as my mom, she would still think “that MFer”.

Let me clarify, that my relationship isnt anything like he beats me, or cheats, or he does drugs… but rather just everything adult situation crap. We are stressed, having a bad day, he left his socks on the floor and im pissed… that is the extent of our problems!

So.. on with the blog… lol

My mom has been sick for a while now. NOthing serious, just little things here and there. Shes been going to the drs and getting tests done, cause there is something wrong, yet they don’t know what it is. But something is wrong cause there is Blood in her urine.

After months and tests after tests, she got that call. You know the call… “Hello, this is your Drs office. We have your tests results back in, you need to come in first thing in the morning”.

The test she had done was for cancer. Im sared. This is my mom. Her youngest Grandkid is only 4. I am only 31. I still need her. I am not ready for this stage in my life, although I wont ever be, I am really NOT ready NOW.

Oh,.. the reason why Im pissed… My older sister who I called and was talking to about this… Know what shes worried about and asked me? Now remember, I have just told her something is wrong and we won’t know anything till morning. (I mean.. it could be something that was caught in time, or easy to treat…)My loving darling sister has the nerve to complain and bitch about how “its going to cost her to pay for a funeral”.

I was FLOORED! I am not ready to talk about that, let alone argue who is going to pay for what. I am not ready to have that conversation. In the end, when that does arise and it is something that needs to be talked about (and NOT NOW!) Her stingy ass isnt going to have to worry about it.

It just hit a nerve. Here I am, crying, worried, scared and all she cares about is how much is this going to cost her?! This is my mom. Her mom. And money is what she is worried about. Not how bad the news is going to be. Not about the fact that my daughter is only 4 and hasnt made enough memories with my mom yet. Money. Fuck money. This is my mom.

Oh shes also worried about if anything is wrong, if shes going to have to take mom in. DUH! Like I would leave my mom with someone like her!

Im scared. And I know there is nothing I can do till I get the results from my mom tomorrow, and I am hoping that it is nothing, but im still scared.

A few months ago, on my birthday, her appendix ruptured and I had a big enough scare then. While at her house I found “good bye” letters that she wrote to my daughter and soon. I bawled when I found those. Not “goodbye” letters, but “read this when Im gone” letters. Still shook me up. And now, here I am, waiting to find out if my mom is okay.

She has to be. Noone knows better than God what she means to me. I still need her. Who else am I going to call when my dinner don’t turn out right? Who else am I going to call when I need to talk and Brads at work? Shes my mom. I need her.

Tomorrow I am looking forward to blogging with the title “I overreacted” and tell you all that the results were “high blood pressure” or something along those lines. I hope Im worrying myself sick and losing sleep tonight over nothing. I hope I am making a mountain out of a mole hill and all will be well tomorrow night. So look for my “overreacting” blog tomorrow and find out that my mom is fine. That I will get another Mothers day with her, and that she will be here next Christmas to drive me crazy and make me insane. For many more years to come.

I can’t wait for her to drive me crazy next holiday season. I look forward to going insane!!!