My Memoirs

I have a new chapter in my life, a chapter that is continued from years and years ago. Let me start out by saying, I never knew my dad. Unless you count the time i was 13 and he followed me home from school, gave me $20 and told me I had better never cut my hair again. I dont really qualify that as knowing him?? But when I was 14, my paternal grandmother got in contact with me. and we wrote for years. She sent me gifts and She came to Ohio (from Texas) to meet me. Along with her, I had contact with my dads aunt who lived in the same town as me. Me and her were close. I even lived with her for years. So I wasnt hard to find. I was in contact wtih my grandmother, my great aunt and he (my dad) had brothers and sisters that lived in the same town as me, that he knew talked to me. So really, it wouldnt have taken more than a phone call to find me.

So now, here I am 31, I have had a myspace page for 5 years and out of the blue I have my dads sister (my aunt) writing me. An aunt that I never met before and never heard from before. She told me she seen me once when i was little, and lost contact with me and thought she had lost me forever.

I am conflicted. how hard did she try? I was in contact with her mom for years until she died. I have lived in the same little town all my life. and my dad was able to find me once when HE wanted to. So I am confused as to why noone else could ever find me, though they claim they missed me and thought they lost me forever?

so here i am, this new found aunt telling me memories she has of me when I was little, stories about my grandmother who passed away a few years ago, and telling me all about my family down in texas, which I might add is so huge I can’t even keep names, relations or faces straight

I guess in the end, no matter who I ask, or how many times I ask it, there is noone who can help me. Noone that can give me a helping hand. No one can tell me what is the right thing to do. Either way its right, and at the same time, either way is wrong. In one way or another I don’t think I can go right or wrong. So I guess the only question is, what am I going to do?

Alot of ppl are probably thinking this isnt such a big deal, but it is. It is when I dont know if they are going to split outta my daughters life once she gets to know them. And I am not sure I am ready to open up my life to ppl who for 31 years, didnt care that I grew up with no money at times. That we were broke and my mom had to work 2 jobs and go to college to give us food and heat. Not once Xmas card or happy birthday. i am not using what happen to me as an excuse to keep my daughter away from them. I was my daughters age. They waited till what? why now? After 31 years the missing me got to be too much?

Call me cynical, but I cant imagine any of them, claiming to me truthfully, “oh how I have missed you and love you and want you in my life so bad” when they don’t know me. Where were they when I needed my dads family. Not for the money (which my mother never seen from my dad) but for family. To know where and who i can from me. Wondering, why am I mexican and all the rest of my family is white? Thats not an easy thing to deal with when your 5. Its hard growing up when you are half mexican and half white. I am not trying to sound racist, but I was too white for some and not brown enough for others.

I was shunned by most of my “white” family. The outsider, the outcast. The “spic” as I was referred to growing up from everyone in my family that should have been there. I didnt have that side of my dads family. How can I bring them into my daughters life when I dont know them, cause they never tried?

Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved growing up knowing my dad. And the fact of the matter is since I didnt get along that great with my mom, I would have loved to have the escape of going and living with my dad. For many years, and yes even still to this day, I have abandonment issues. I have relationship issues. I have a problem forming loving bonds with a lot of my family.

No I dont blame it on that, But i do believe it has a lot to do with it. Other than my mom, and the one aunt on my dads side that I talked to, not one person, including my brothers and sisters loved me or even treated me nice growing up. I was different than everyone. I was the only kid in a house of 5 that didnt get picked up by my moms mom for the weekend. I was the only one who didnt get presents, calls, hugs, nothing. If it wasnt for my mom, I really believe my life would have turned out different. She loved me, even if at times it was in ways I would have swore she was nuts. But I did have her love.

I am bitter in a way, I am touched in a way, I guess I am overall just confused. Im torn. And no one can tell me what I should do, cause its my decision to make. A decision I would have loved to be able to make years ago. But its here now, in my face, I can reach out and grab it if I want it. If I want it…….

And although i may never find an answer.  i may never take this another step, and maybe no one will ever read this that matters, I at least poured my heart out, scares and concerns and got it all out. And now maybe, just maybe this is what i needed.

It is that time of year again. Mother’s day is upon us. Everyone year I shop for my mother, his, and his grandma. And each year it gets harder. And I Struggle with the proccess of picking out something that not only shows them we loved them, but also something that is thoughtful, from the heart and that they will love, so we arent just getting them a gift that is going in the back of the closet…

Same thing every year. So this year, I have it figured out, and each gift is only going to cost us no more than $10 each. Not too bad, huh?

For his mother and grandmother, I am going in a different direction, thinking outside of the Usual Mother’s day gifts. I have been working on our family trees for years now, and they both had a member of the family they loved dearly, miss since his passing back in the late 70’s, and they were quite close. To make it easier on me, its the exact same person.

He came over from Hungary in the early 1900’s, with a fake birth year and a fake “mother”. So tracking him and finding anything about him has proved to be quite a challenge. He is my Holy grail of genealogy. His is my conquest.

So after long hours and tedious searching, I found a little bit on him. So for mothers day I am taking his certificate from Ellis Island, his citizenship/naturalization papers, and a photograph and biography on the ship (the SS OHIO) he brought from Germany into the US. I am going to have them framed and wrapped. They can display them if they wish or they can put them up, cause obviously it is something they are going to want to keep and cherish. It wasnt easy finding this stuff, and when I found it, i mentioned it to them (before deciding on mothers day presents) and they were both excited, so I know they will like em.

My mom was a bit tougher, since she dont miss anyone! lol Shes stubborn, and although she would love something like that, there is noone in my family, other than my great grandmother that she would care about. And as much as I would LOVE to do it for her, I can’t find any documents of her travels here from Germany.

So instead, I am in the process of making her a calendar with all the grandkids and her children from photographs that I have taken. That is something my mom would cherish and keep far after 2008 has passed and be a long ago memory.

So, I thought outside of the box and managed to come up with great gifts, that arent going to cause us to take out a loan, ha ha. Yes, I am serious. I am terrible at thrift shopping when it comes to gifts. So this actually turned out to be a double blessing gift idea!!

I might also (for his family) print out and frame pictures of his grave stone for them. (Some ppl call that a morbid gift) but its not to me. Its about giving them a present representing someone they loved and sadly, lost.

Best of all, these presents came from deep thought, hard planning and the heart. And what is better than that?!

Now on to me. For Mothers day I told Brad TONS of stuff I wanted to give him an idea, and lots to choose from. So I will have to wait and see what he decides on, or if he goes in his own direction, what I got from him!

Theres lots of stuff I asked for. New couch, new kitchen table, plants, a plant stand. Lots of stuff for my yard, swings, benches, the usual motherly stuff!! lol

My son beat up his first bully today. I should elaborate on this and tell the back story of what led to this. Nop I dont condone him “beating kids up” but I dont condone his letting ppl push him around cause they think they can.

My son has CP, a very mild case. He has these “Friends” that are only around when they want to play 360, or PS3 or when they want to play on his comp. They arent friends that are always his friends. When there isnt something they want from him its “you’re a retard”.

Despite his “disability” we have always told him he is no different than anyone else, and NOONE should ever make him feel different. So when his “Friends” call him this, he takes it to heart, shuts his mouth and just drowns his sorrow. I hate that.

Years of dealing with this, telling him to stand up for himself got us nowhere. They continued to do this because Josh let them push him around. I dont my son to be the kid everyone beats up cause they are bored and they know he will take it. That was not me as a kid, and that wasnt his dad. We didnt want him to be that kid. I mean, what parents wants their kid to be “that kid”?

Finally, he listened to us. He is now 15. The one kid that constantly harrasses him was over at the house and was picking on a 10 year old that was over at the house with my son also. Joshua stood up to him and told him to stop bullying the kid (Cody is always a bully and beats up anyone who can beat him up… ) So anyways, He started to call Josh a “retard” and started pushing him.

Josh must have finally had enough of being picked on and bullied cause he pushed Cody back ( i should tell you this kid is 3 times bigger than my son). He pushed him back and just jumped on top of him and beat him up.

Go Josh! No I dont want him to go around beating up kids, but if you are going to put your hands on my son… he has my blessing to stand up and push back.

He overcame the harrassment and laughs and joined the football team. He played when everyone laughed and said he couldnt. He holds his head up high, and comes home to cry. No more!

He goes out for the basketball team, he makes it, but gets ridiculed by the other team members. He comes home to show his pain.

He is no different than any other kid in school. He was one of the best football players there was on that team, received lots of awards and could run faster than anyone else on the team.He pushes harder and shows more commitment than anyone else on the team. Im proud of him for everything he tries. Even if he dont succeed because he dont let them stop him.

So yea, I have to say I was proud of him for standin up for himself. Hes been bullied by a group of the same kids for 10 years. The parents just laugh when you try to talk to them, the parents of these kids call Josh “retarded”, fine. Now when my son beats the hell out of your bully sons ass… dont call me.

I say good for him. He knows not to be a bully. He knows to be respectful to others and treat them like he wants to be treated. But now he knows not to show respect to those who dont deserve it. And he knows not to take anyones shit. Cause he is worth the fight. He is my son and he dont deserve the effects of shitty parenting.

He knows that life isnt fair, and that he is always going to have someone being mean, rude, or just down right mean. He knows this, its life. But he dont have to put up with anyone putting their hands on him. I wont stand for it. My son dont go around and beat up kids and push em around and noone should have to put up with it. But they know now that he isnt going to put up with it, so now they can leave him alone to be a kid. Hang out with is real friends and enjoy life.

For 2 days now I have been having major anxiety attacks. Dont tell me to “find the root of the attacks and take care of it” Please! The root of my attacks is life in general! My whole life is one big anxiety attack just waiting to push me over the edge!

And yes, my life if that crazy right now.

Today is the Anniversary of the death of my baby cousin. Whose mother also happens to be my best friend, so thats one thing on my list. Of course im sad and concerned for her on this day.

My mom goes back in for surgery for the 3rd time in a month. Shes scared they are going to find something. And when her mood isnt great, mine isnt either. She can bring me down faster than a sinking battle ship. Im worried about it myself, without her adding to it.

I have so many appts coming up, Brooklyns school stuff, I can’t find the library book that I was reading. And I have looked everywhere. I can’t seem to get my house in order and that annoys me more than anything. I hate not having organization. I can NOT relax if everything in the room isnt perfect! I try, but the whole time Im staring at the shoe in the corner. Im staring at the collection of Ritz Cracker crums scattered across my LR floor. I need ORDER! and when I dont have it… no relaxing!

I need a break from life. I need a break from Chaos. And before anyone asks, the answer is no i am not now or will I ever be in Therapy for my weird, take on the world, add more weights to my shoulders please chaotic, anxiety attacking life!

WHen you hubby is telling you that you are a magnet for chaos and bad news… you know its bad. I always have so much on my plate at any given time, I dont think I would know how to function without it. And I am serious. I have had so much going on all the time for as long as I can remember…. But I guess God gave me this life cause he knows I can handle it. But it would be nice to get a break for the chaos of my life once in a while. But The only time I get a break is when I breathe between the bad news, surgeries and funerals….

Its bad when your idea of a vacation is to lock yourself up in a hospital and pretend to be fucking looney just so you can get some downtime. But if I keep going the way I am going, I will drive myself there, and it will be legitimate. I need to slow down, and scream at everyone… if you had bad news, need help, need to say something i need to listen or pay attention to.. please get service at the next human, I am sold out. Out of order, I am off duty! Closed for renovations. This number has be disconnected… you get the idea.

On May 5th 2004 My Best friend and My cousin were 7 months pregnant. I got a call while shopping at the fist store for salt water fish. All I heard when I answered the cell phone was “SHES GONE SHES GONE” and then the line went dead. I knew that voice, it was my best friend.

She had gone to the Doctors cause she wasnt feeling Anna move. The ultra sound proved her worse fears. The baby wasnt alive and they were going to have to induce her and she was going to have to deliver Anna. She has been trying to get pregnant for years. This was to be her first child.

I didnt know what to do. Not only was this my best friend of 10 years, but the baby she was carrying was also my cousin. It was a double whammy. I shopped for the Dress for Anna. She was going to have a service. That was the hardest shopping trip I ever made. One I will never forget and hopefully never ever have to do again in my entire life.

Visiting My best friend in the hospital wasnt easy either. I bawled when she bawled. I cried for her and because of her. I was there in the hospital till she delivered. Then came the hardest part, which I thought I already got passed, the brought the baby in. I watched as they held her. Then they passed her to me. That is one image I will never get outta my head, no matter how many years have passed. Everyone was taking pics. (mine are in an envelope, that I have never opened)

Every year on May 5th I call her. I talk to her all the time, but I make it a point to make sure I CALL HER on this day. I dont have to say why I am calling, she knows. I dont have to ask her if she is doing ok, I know the answer. I just call, she knows why, and she knows I care.

A few years went by and she got pregnant again. The baby was born healthy. But still, as expected, we still mourn Anna.

This year, May 5th almost went by without me noticing what day it was. How could I let it almost get by me without noticing?

Over the years friends stop noticing, quit calling her… and she has told me how it hurts they forgot. How could i almost have been one of those friends? But I remembered. I slowed my day down enough to realize what they date was.

Like every year, I call her mom, I call her and my cousin. I dont have to say why I am calling… they know.

I am sure in time the pain and tenderness of that day, this day years ago, will fade, but not entirely go away. I cant imagine what she went through, goes through every day, and will go through for the rest of her life.

Even though I never knew her, and She never opened her eyes to look at me I loved her like I could never love another cousin ever. She was so loved and still is.

So today I am Remembering Anna, as I will always. But today is her day.

Its about that time for a funeral. Yes, that is right. She died. My computer has finally taken its last breath, closed her eyes and went to where all computers go after they have served their purpose….

It just died. Crashed, she tried to come back a couple of times, but to no avail. I finally had to put her down.

Whats even worse than the death of a close companion? A Close companion that held my life in its hands. All My photographs. My work. My whole world was in her head and she closed her eyes and took it with her.

Yeah yeah yeah… i can get it off with some work… yeah yeah.  Dont bore me with such minor details when I am mourning the death of my computer!

So  I will blog here about it, I will twitter about it, cry to my hubby about it, and in the end, She will have to be replaced. With a newer, more powerful piece of heavenly computer machinery. She is gone but not forgotten.

So goodbye dear friend… we had a long, complicated relationship. You pulled a lot of BS, you talked back and you rebeled when it was MOST inconvenient, but you will be sadly missed.

I will think of you from time to time, when I am clicking away on my keyboard, remember how much you would freeze up, crash, close my windows when I was working, decide to be stubborn and not come back on, all the wonderful things you did that made our relationship what it is today.

We are almost to the homestretch when it comes to Brooklyn starting school. She goes in tomorrow for her last set of shots before starting in Sept. Shes getting 4 shots tomorrow, which should make for a pretty moody day where Brooklyn is concerned.

But after that, the only thing left for us to do is take her school clothes shopping. And then She will be ready to go. She goes into her Conference on the 15th of May, which is when her school fees are due. At that conference, we will discuss her screenign results, her strengths, if there is anything we need to work on with her, ect.

We signed her up for the summer reading camp at our local library. And we signed her up for a bunch of summer activites.
And along with starting school in Sept, she will also be starting ballet. We had to sign her up a year ago to get into this class. It is a hard class to get into since it is so popular, so shes excited to be going. Shes been wanting to do ballet for a couple year now. We sgned her up for ballet classes here in the town we live in, but they were more of a “everyone just dance” class. And that is not what I want to spend my money on when she wants BALLET. So she is going to another town to a ballet school. I am rather excited!

So that is the update about Brooklyn.

Did I mention that she is getting the immunization for the chicken pox? And i have NO idea what to expect out of this….

THe new forum is off to a good start. I have added some new things and started posting photographs. We have a few new members, and I think it might actually take off sooner that what I had thought.

We added “photogames” and a few more photograph categories.  And I am adding some great features and hacks into my forum. Working on new skins and legends and I should be all done updating, fixing and tweeking it, within a few more days!

The last photography forum I had got so huge and out of hand I didnt know how to handle it anymore. So This time I am doing it the smart way, I already brought in my SIL to help admin the site.

So come check it out! Photography World

sign up, check it out and get in on the fun!

Wolrd of Photography is a new project of mine. A place for anyone (not just pros) to come share, learn and have fun with anything involving photographgy.

Come Check it out and sign up. We have contests, critics corners, wallpapers, requests, and tons more will be added as the forum grows. Right now we are still setting up the board and adding all the images, photos, ect!
But check it out here: Photography World